LOL Excuses & 911 calls

Best Speeding Excuses of 2012

Officers are used to hearing creative excuses from drivers stopped for speeding. This year was no exception.
1. A 25-year-old woman was stopped for speeding and gave the excuse that she must have stepped on the accelerator as she adjusted her seating position to pass gas.

2. One woman tried to cover all the bases when she offered up the following 3 explanations all within 30 seconds…

a) Her ovary burst and she was on her way to hospital.
b) She was diabetic and needed insulin.

c) She had diarrhea and needed a washroom.

While these are all serious medical conditions, the woman finally admitted that she was not affected by any of the explanations given and apologized to the officer for speeding and lying.

Cutest Call of 2012

A three-year-old boy called 911 while watching the Disney Pixar blockbuster movie 'Cars.' The boy was concerned for the safety of Lightning McQueen when Chick Hicks was chasing him.

1. A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through automated radar.
A $100 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $100.The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

2. A Policeman pulled a car over and asked the man driving why she was going 70 mph in a 50 mph zone? "I was only going 50!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the police officer replied. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back in anger.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's sexy wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

3. A sexy lady was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The sexy lady said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Sexy Lady, that's your air freshener!"

4. One day, while a sexy lady was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The lady started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the lady laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The lady is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The lady giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

5. One day this cop pulls over a dumb but sexy lady for speeding.
The cop gets out of his car and asks the lady for her license.
"You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it."
6. A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me."

7. A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

8. While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 10'3."They got out and measured their rig, which was 11'4.""What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, and then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

9. There was a drunk driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.

"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

10. The cop got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

11. Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

12. A police officer stops a sexy and nice lady for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

13. A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

14. On a rural road a police man pulled a farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

15. Stopped a woman once for 80 mph in a 50 mph. She said she had just bought the vehicle (a Jeep Grand Cherokee) and wanted to see how fast it would go.
She was provided with written documentation that it would go at LEAST $80.

16. Stopped a guy for speeding. His car was wet. He stated that the dryer at the car wash was broken so he was driving fast so that the wind would dry his car.

17. Cop stopped a guy for driving like he was at the Indy 500. When he finally pulled over, he frantically told me that his wife was about to give birth and he had to get her to the hospital right away. When I asked him where his wife was, he turned to his right and said "oh Shyte!!!!" with a freaked out expression on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he said that his wife was going into labor and he jumped in the car to take her to the hospital. Only problem was, he left her at home. Being the cynical skeptic, I of course, did not believe him. I asked him his home address and sent the paramedics to his house for his wife since he claimed she was still at home. Amagine my surprise, when they confirmed she was in labor and delivering. Poor bastard got so exicted he left his wife at home.

18. Maybe this is the poorest excuse for a speeding ticket: "Officer, I could not find the speedometer because I just stole the car."

Second Worst: "I didn't see the speedometer because I was driving with my eyes closed."

Funniest New Excuses for Calling in Sick to Your Boss

1) My 12-year-old daughter stole my car that was my only way to get to work.  He was reluctant to report his daughter's (imaginary) theft to the police.

2) Bats got in my hair and you know how crazy bats can get doing ugly things to your hair.

3) Uh, a refrigerator fell on me.

4) I stopped to get my morning coffee on the way to work.  While I was in line I saw a dump truck drive up that was full of flour and saw it back into my convertible and empty said flour into my car.

5) It's hunting season and a deer bit me.

6) I ate too much at a weekend party.

7) I was in such a hurry to get to work while I was still half asleep from the time change that I fell out of bed and broke my nose this morning.

8) I got a cold from my new puppy.

9) My toddler thought it was funny to stick a mint up his nose so I had to go to the ER to get it removed.

10) I hurt my back while I was chasing a beaver. (a little double meaning on that one)

11) When I got out of bed this morning to come to work I accidentally got my toe caught in the heat register vent cover.

12) I couldn't come to work this morning because of all the garage sales I went to this weekend.  They gave me a bad headache.

13) I couldn't come to work this morning because I got a call from the FBI informing me that my brother-in-law was kidnapped by a drug cartel while visiting Mexico.

14) This morning I drank anti-freeze by mistake and had to go to the hospital.

15) This weekend I went to a bowling alley.  I got hit on the head by a bucket of water that crashed through the ceiling because they had a leak at the bowling alley and the bucket overflowed

Funny Calls 911

A Toronto baby undergoing potty-training dialled 911 with a cellphone after its mother provided the device as a diversion.
Another cell user insisted a cat dialled the three-digit emergency number.
A woman wanting police to fetch her escaped bird later reported she climbed a tree, fetched the feathered fugitive, and no longer needed help.
Those calls, all to emergency operators, may seem unbelievable.
But Tracy Finn, voice services co-ordinator for staff who dispatch city police or transfer calls to firefighters, paramedics and the non-emergency line, insists all were made last year.
And she has the computer logs to prove it.

Equally skewed, puzzling and inexplicably mundane appeals — sometimes demands — for police to ride to a person’s or animal’s rescue are routine trials.
Some topics are even familiar.
At Christmas, Finn said people always call 911, asking: “How do you baste a turkey?”
Despite the temptation, operators must remain calm and not suggest ways to stuff it.
Callers often ask how to reach local divisions, instead of dialling 416-808-2222, the online and phonebook-listed, non-emergency number.
Complaints of street sanders not making runs after the first snowflakes fall are often accompanied by demands for police action.
Callers are told to dial the city’s 311 help line and that sidewalks are a homeowner’s responsibility.
Other bizarre 911 calls:
• A woman lost her hairbrush.
• Mouse in bathroom. Send help!
• Dead cat on a road.
• A caller travelling to Ontario from the southern United States asked about weather conditions last October — long before snow season.
• A fearful man reporting a dead bird on his balcony was given the 311 and Public Health hotline West Nile virus numbers.
• When no one came online, an operator dialled a displayed number and reached a cellphone “pocket dialling” while its owner did laundry, Finn said. He was advised “in a brief call” to monitor the device better.
• About 20 years ago, a caller told her: “Every time I open the oven, a voice tells me not to clean it.”
“I was so caught off-guard, I said: ‘If I were you, I’d listen to the voice and clean the oven another day,’ ” Finn said. “The person said ‘OK,’ ” and never called back.
• “What day is it?” is a common appeal.
Daft as that may seem, Finn says operators are sometimes caught off-guard and may decide it’s easier to answer than explain sensible alternatives to tying up the number people rely on for help.
• A six-year-old girl whose voice and claim to be 16 seemed genuine as she reported her sister’s house burning.
“Even though every ounce of my fibre may discount it, without an adult, I have to send help,” Finn said, not recalling the outcome when the little prankster was confronted by emergency crews.
• An uninjured car crash victim told an operator, who reached her after a call was cancelled, that she was showing her child how to dial 911 and thought she hung up without transmitting.
But Finn said such calls are placed “in a millisecond,” and when operators detect dead lines, they call back to make sure someone hasn’t been forced to hang up or lost consciousness.
• A caller became haughty when an operator said it wasn’t her job to give lessons about Citizen’s Band (CB) radio use, snarkily admonishing: “You better find out!”
• A lost motorist who said his GPS mistakenly guided him to Etobicoke wanted directions to Markham.
• While operators handled double their normal 6,000-a-night shift calls during the widespread 2003 power blackout, one caller tied up the non-emergency line for 54 minutes — demanding police solve a parking problem.
• During the Jan. 9 launch by senior GTA officers of a public appeal for people to avoid “pocket dialling” from unchecked cellphones and keep them away from children, a caller asked operator Allison Manafo for an officer to handle a screaming neighbour.
Manafo calmly explained that was not unlawful, unless threats were made, then provided the non-emergency number in case the abuser was mentally disturbed and needed medical help.
Having a good sense of humour can relieve tension from handling real, sometimes ghastly 911 calls, Finn said.
But operators are trained to avoid treating calls lightly, since they may be talking with someone confused by drugs, mental issues, an injury, illness — or that “they were just determined that was their most important issue and might calm down later.”
Even repeat calls from emotionally disturbed people or “the lonely” must be considered in case they’re not crying wolf.
If determined to be nonsense, however, a report can be forwarded to officers who may visit the person to learn their status and dissuade them.
Or, in the case of a man who reported being too drunk to drive, but wanted police to come to stock his fridge with beer, there are other obvious police options if that call had come from a vehicle.
Alas, Finn’s file was blank on that account.

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